Air Force announces 100% promotion rate to major, except for you, asshole

RANDOLPH AFB — The U.S. Air Force announced last week that, in order to restore its readiness, 100% of captains would be promoted to major, except for you, asshole.

Despite being confident that every single captain in the United States Air Force is deserving of a higher level of responsibility — even that self-serving douchebag Capt. Fitzsimmons — you're being passed over, sources confirmed today.

Remember that time you took a candy bar from the snacko and put your name on the IOU list, but then crossed it off later without paying? Yeah, everyone knew about that, asshole, and now you're going to stay a captain forever.

The decision to completely ignore the performance of many thousands of officers and promote them regardless of how minimalist their accomplishments comes as a shock to personnel officers everywhere.

"We never imagined that kicking out hundreds of officers in 2014 would ever lead to a shortfall in manpower," said Air Force spokeswoman Maj. Brooke Brookerson.

"And then when we removed a bunch of civilians again a year later, since we thought, hey, we can still fight a war. But now we're just going to promote everyone — except you — because it turns out that if you remove captains from the pipeline it means less majors in the future. Who could possibly have foreseen this outcome?"

Sources say that you were warned not to get on the colonel's bad side, but did you listen? No, of course not, because you're an asshole. And when someone dropped a bomb in Uganda, and the colonel thought it was a good idea to take his Florida-based acquisitions squadron to 24-hour alert for it, you had to ask if it was really necessary, didn't you?

Well now guess what? You're the only captain left in the air force, defense officials say.

The exodus of young officers from the air force, and the U.S. military in general, has resulted in many competent troops leaving the service to pursue higher-paying, less stressful careers. Only the most committed officers, or the officers too slack-jawed to obtain alternate employment, have stayed behind to make the difficult, 100%-guaranteed climb to the next rank.

"There is honestly no better way to incentivize outstanding performance than making advancement completely automatic for four straight ranks," Brookerson said. "It will make sure only the most competent 100% of captains are endowed with the larger, occasionally life-and-death responsibility of majors."

"Except you, asshole," she added. "You're going to retire as a captain."