Air Force announces 100% promotion rate to major, except for you, asshole

RANDOLPH AFB — The U.S. Air Force announced last week that, in order to restore its readiness, 100% of captains would be promoted to major, except for you, asshole.

Despite being confident that every single captain in the United States Air Force is deserving of a higher level of responsibility — even that self-serving douchebag Capt. Fitzsimmons — you're…