Air Force announces 100% promotion rate to…

RANDOLPH AFB — The U.S. Air Force announced last week that, in order to restore its readiness, 100% of captains would be promoted to major, except for you, asshole. Despite being confident that every single captain in the United States Air Force is deserving of a higher level of responsibility — even that self-serving douchebag Capt. Fitzsimmons — you're being passed over, sources confirmed today.

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