MARINE BARRACKS WASHINGTON, D.C. – Staff Sgt. Mark Daniels, a trumpet player assigned to the "President’s Own" Band, has been stoned to death after refusing communion with Sousa, sources confirmed today.

Daniels, an eight-year veteran and accomplished bandsman, was executed following remarks he made to his conductor during rehearsal proposing playing a military march not composed by John Philip Sousa.

“Everybody just kind of froze,” related saxophonist Sgt. Adam Zuela regarding the incident. “Chief Peters’ face twisted up in horror and he asked Brother Daniels: ‘You mean something…just arranged by Sousa right?’ Brother Daniels shrugs and replied: ‘No, I was thinking 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic.’ Then all hell brought loose.”