Army Agrees to Accept 20,000 Syrian Migrants To Meet Retention Goals

WASHINGTON — Early Wednesday, Pentagon officials announced that the Army will spend $2 billion this year to recruit 20,000 migrants currently fleeing Syria in an attempt to meet their retention goal for fiscal year 2015.

“We have tried everything so far but keep falling short,” said Maj. Gen. Thomas Semands, commander of Army Human Resources Command. “I’ve let in all the gays, transgendereds, and everyone in between. We're even pretending we will let women serve in the infantry. I guess the next step is to let the deserters of other nations join, eh?"

When told that his microphone was live, Semands added, "What I really mean is, you know, diversity is our strength!”

While some countries in Europe have dedicated tents and funds set aside for incoming asylum-seekers, top Army officials will take it to the next level with barracks and “hot chow” upon their oath of enlistment, pointing out that Germany's history of building camps is "not that great."

“We are going to win their hearts and minds whether they like it or not,” said a drill sergeant driving a van picking up refugees in Tampa to bus them to Fort Jackson. “I’m hoping to get to train some of those Muslim cuties over there in the burqas, preferably the one with the pretty eyes.”

“Many of these new recruits have mentioned that they have college degrees. Of course, asking for documentation would be rude given the circumstances,” Semands said. “Needless to say, we are looking forward to adding our newest wave of second lieutenants.”