FORT INDIANTOWN GAP — The Pennsylvania Army National Guard placed Fort Indiantown Gap on lockdown today, after Private Patrick O’Neil reported “ebola-like symptoms” to his unit medic.

“Yeah, my head is killing me, and I want to throw up,” O’Neil told reporters through his plastic isolation bubble. “I’m definitely pretty sure this is Ebola.”

O’Neil says he believes he contracted the disease after riding on a C-130 that had recently returned to the United States from transporting soldiers to AFRICOM, the military’s “Africa Command.”

“There was some stuff on the canvas next to me that was almost probably blood, or maybe mucus, or something like that,” O’Neil said. “So, yeah, this has gotta be Ebola.”

Dr. David Schurmer, commander of the base infirmary, rolled his eyes when questioned about Ebola by reporters.

“Jesus H. Christ on a drum stick!” Schurmer began. “That limp-dicked little private just cost me half of this fiscal year’s budget. Army protocol right now says if Ebola is suspected, ev…