Army tells Marine Corps Mattis isn't real
WASHINGTON — In a heartbreaking turn of events, the Marine Corps burst into tears yesterday when Army broke the news that Gen. James Mattis is just a story created to inspire the troops, sources confirmed today.
“Look, I know you’ve believed in ‘ole Chaos Mattis for years, but you’re old enough to know better — Mattis isn’t real,” Army said with a smirk.
Upon hearing the news, the Corps’ eyes got really wide, and its mouth slowly dropped open.
Army continued the attack on the Corps’ beloved bringer of motivation, saying, “The SecDef is just some random guy in a Mattis tie trained to say terrifying things like ‘sometimes you just need to punch a terrorist in the throat’ and ‘I will kill you with my eyes closed.’”
Navy added, “There never really was a Mattis. He was just a narrative made up by [former Commandant] Gen. Krulak to inspire you to do your best and be nice to Air Force.”
After Army remarked that a retired Coast Guard officer had been writing the Mattis quotes for the last 15 years…
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