[Translated from Pashto. -ed]

Oh hey guys, I've got a riddle for you: Who's got two thumbs and is the greatest American ever? Yeah, this guy! Sergeant, soon to be Staff Sergeant, Bowe Bergdahl, America's latest hero! Fresh off from my all-expenses paid five-year vacation in Pakistan, all set to come home, snap some necks and cash some checks.

But before I get my mandatory photo op at the White House — WITH THE PRESIDENT! — I just wanted to set the record straight and talk to some of the haters out there. Because apparently you can't even walk off post in the middle of the goddamned night without someone using loaded words like "AWOL" or "desertion" or "treason," or some shit.

So here's the truth: I didn't desert. I just really wanted that Prisoner of War Medal.