FORT BENNING, Ga. – Despite demonstrating a commendable tolerance for chafed nipples, sources confirmed today that no one in the 3rd Ranger Battalion gives a shit about Lt. Col. Donovan Studebaker running a fucking marathon.

Studebaker, who assumed command last month, admitted that the deafening indifference towards his locomotive prowess was a bit of a shock.

“At first I assumed everyone misheard me and thought I was talking about a Netflix marathon,” the colonel said. “Then I realized nobody cared. At all.”