WARREN AIR FORCE BASE, Wyo. – The Air Force is investigating a nuclear security unit suspected of rampant cocaine use, sources report.

“We are perplexed at how this keeps happening,” Secretary of Defense Ash Carter said. “These airmen are assigned to luxurious locations like Wyoming. The only way they could have it easier would be to work in the Pentagon.”

The Air Force nuclear community suffered multiple scandals in recent years ranging from losing control of nuclear warheads to cheating on proficiency exams.

Officials began to suspect drug use after airmen achieved an unprecedented bump in training performance. “The ‘White Tiger’ security squad really turned things around since Thanksgiving,” 90th Missile Wing Commander Col. Stephen Kravitsky confided. “They were hitting their goals hard on the nose. They even started cleaning their bathroom facilities.