Equal opportunity drone kills combatants and civilians indiscriminately

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has unveiled a new drone, the EO-9 Justice Warrior. The platform comes equipped with a suite of advanced optics that renders it unable to distinguish between combatants and civilians.

"We were looking to take affirmative action to make our targeted killings reflect America," explained Pentagon spokeswoman Lt. Col. Michelle Baldanza. "This is a huge step towards ensuring our target prosecution admissions system is truly ROE-blind."

The Justice Warrior was developed in response to a series of high-profile incidents in which American drones accidentally killed farmers and members of wedding parties in Afghanistan. Baldanza promised this would never happen again: "From now on, when our nation kills someone, you'll know we meant it."

The EO-9 is also equipped with Chinese AI technology, which allowed it to give a statement to the media. After a brief discussion of its capabilities and limitations, the killer robot closed with the stirring declaration "I don't see color. You all just look like heat signatures to me." Finally, it took flight, heading for the skies of some far-off country whose inhabitants need to die to improve American airport security.