By RED Friday

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — John Taylor, who says he was going to join the military but something came up, says he’s just about to go fight in Ukraine, too.

“Yeah man I’m all set up with a group of volunteers to go kick some ass over there, we’re going to head out next week,” Taylor said. “A real group of badass guys like vets and Blackwater mercenaries. We’re going to fly to Poland and march into Ukraine. The Russians or whoever can't handle us.”

“We’ll be rolling into Moscow in a week,” added Taylor, who hasn’t exercised in seven years and has never shot a firearm.

Like many halfway heroes, Taylor has an inferiority complex and a constant need to prove his manhood. Taylor has used his idealized vision of military service as a way to fill the hole in his self-esteem. He has several military-themed t-shirts and a smattering of domestic violence convictions.

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“I thought about joining the Marines,” Taylor says whenever he finds out he’s talking to a veteran. “But I wouldn’t have let those drill sergeants get in my face like that. But let me out onto the battlefield, I’ll be stacking so many bodies, bro.”

Taylor’s battle plan for Ukraine is simple.

“We’re going to start at the capital city of, um, the capital, and liberate it. Then we’ll do some guerilla warfare and sabotage, that sounds cool right?” Taylor said loud enough for all the women around to hear.

When pressed for details, Taylor became vague.

“Our flight is next week, or maybe the week after that. But we’re going. What’s the group I’m joining? Um, the group of… mercenaries, without borders. Yeah, that’s it.”

At press time, Taylor said he and his friends were planning to kick Putin’s ass after the next Adam Calhoun concert.

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