Drunk hurricane calls Coast Guard at 2 A.M. asking for place to crash

PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the name of Florence has reportedly been calling at all hours of the night looking for a place to crash, according to Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads.

“She’s pretty hammered,” said Petty Officer Sam Vallin, who spoke to Florence, “She was saying things like ‘HEY! It’s me yer best fuckin’ friend. I’m shitfaced from…