TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – Despite attaining the rank of lieutenant colonel, assistant to the regimental S-3Z Jefferey Shortbus can best be described as a major asshole.

The first indication of Lt. Col. Shortbus’ true colors came when he plastered the regimental headquarters with copies of his leadership philosophy, despite the fact that he is a staff officer who commands zero Marines and less respect. Printed on parchment paper, the memo consists solely of the words “DIVERSITY, INTEGRITY, PEOPLE ARE OUR MOST VALUABLE RESOURCE” in 72-point size Zapf Chancery. First Lt. Aaron DePaul, an expert on leadership philosophies and navel gazing, analyzed the document.

“It’s simultaneously grandiose and incoherent,” he marveled. “This guy is without a doubt a major asshole.”

Never one to get wrapped up in semantics, Lt. Col. Shortbus is capable of veering from his own guidance when necessary. Some might call this hypocrisy, but he calls it mental agility, a phrase he borrowed from a Marine Corps Gazette article he skimmed once.

“Diversity is nice to have,” Shortbus explained, “until you’re trying to run a meeting and there’s a guy in there who disagrees with you. I’m all about thinking outside the box, but when someone comes at me with an idea that contradicts the way we’ve been doing things, I have no choice but to sideline him in favor of someone who tells me what I want to hear.”

Despite his status as a major asshole, Lt. Col. Shortbus is not without his supporters. Chief among them is Sgt. Maj. I.T. Behoovumstein, USMC (retired), who served as then-Lt. Shortbus’ platoon sergeant.

“It was a long, long time ago. Back when I was Staff Sgt. Behoovumstein and still married to my bitch of a third wife,” the sergeant major remembered fondly. “Shortbus was the best damn officer I ever served with. I’ll tell ya, that guy would fuck over Marines for no reason whatsoever. I mean, he’d just decide out of nowhere to make the platoon stay at work until 1900 on random Fridays. It was beautiful. I always knew he’d be a major asshole someday.”