HEIDELBERG, Germany — Lt. Gen. Christopher Cavoli, commander of all US Army forces in Europe, is totally not at work today because he has coronavirus and not because he’s having an epic day off, said US Army Europe spokesperson Maj. Traun Moore.
According to a statement, Cavoli was absolutely recovering in bed because he did not want to spread the deadly coronavirus and, in his weakened condition, he might take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject himself to further injuries.
Cavoli reportedly was exposed to the disease while attending the Land Forces Commanders Conference in Wiesbaden, Germany.
Simone Adamley, although not in attendance at the conference, did note that her best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with a girl who saw Cavoli pass out in the 31 Flavors in the Wiesbaden PX last night.
“I guess it’s pretty serious,” she added.
Some expressed skepticism that Cavoli was actually quarantined due to the coronavirus. Some witnesses reported seeing Cavoli touring a local art museum, attending a Chicago Cubs game, and even singing “Danke Schoen” on a float during an impromptu Oktoberfest parade.
Gen. Tod Wolters, Commander of US European Command, was suspicious of Cavoli’s claims.
“Chris Cavoli has been ‘sick’ nine times this semester,” noted Wolters. “His ass is mine!”
Shortly thereafter, hackers from Russia’s military intelligence unit, the GRU, gained access to the EUCOM network and promptly altered Cavoli’s attendance record.
A European Command spokesperson would not confirm that Wolters was last seen chasing Cavoli through a number of hedgerows on the US Army Garrison-Heidelberg housing area.
Cavoli, totally issuing a statement from his bed and not from the driver’s seat of a Porsche 911 Turbo en route to a fancy restaurant, said “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”