HEAVEN — A Marine charged with standing post at Heaven's main gate says he can't wait until the Apocalypse destroys all of creation so he can finally leave the service and grow a beard, sources confirmed today.

Lance Cpl. George Yanosy, who in his corporeal form was killed fighting somewhere for some important reason, has become increasingly disgruntled since the fine print on his signing bonus endeared him to the Marine Corps for perpetuity.

According to Yanosy, most of the service's rules are outdated and don't make sense to his generation of supernatural beings.

"I'm made of a freakin' ethereal mist, I don't know why He makes such a big deal about shaving," he said, noting that despite his lack of a physical form, he still gets razor burn every morning.

Yanosy says he is also perplexed as to why, in a world where all communication is done instantaneously via cosmic love waves, he has to do a radio check at the top and bottom of every hour.

"I mean, we live in a metaphysical spirit world…

Marine guarding Heaven's Gates looks forward…

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