Master Sgt. beats discrimination charge by p…

FORT IRWIN, California — Army Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name in a landmark discrimination case with an unlikely defense—he hates everyone equally. "Am I happy?" asked Lowe when responding to reporters. "Look, I regret that a soldier felt like they were being singled out, but I'm glad that we've clarified all the misunderstandings for that little turd."

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