WASHINGTON — More than 200 E-4s and E-3s, including dozens of Army specialists and Marine Corps lance corporals, published a letter this week endorsing “whoever can get us the fuck out of here by 1600!” Breaking from traditional protocol, the E-4s – most of whom are serving on active duty – publicly entered the fray of presidential politics.

“I mean, I don’t really care that much to be honest,” said Lance Cpl. Vincent “Vin” Gennari, speaking from Camp LeJeune, N.C. “I never really followed politics. I just want someone who will put a stop to the super lifers and their stupid shit.”

Legally, active duty service members are barred from participating in political campaigns while in uniform, but the 2020 presidential campaign has seen many norms and traditions revisited, including vocal campaigning from many high-ranking former military officers and former government employees.

What makes this letter notable, however, is the glaring lack of an actual candidate endorsement.

While the letter’s focus is releasing troops from duty by 1600, military time for 4:00 p.m., other demands include serving White Claw Hard Seltzer in dining facilities and ships’ galleys, making muscle cars and pickup trucks tax-exempt if purchased within three months of returning from a deployment, and allowing service members to “grow sick beards” after completing one year of service.

“Dude,” said Spc. Jeffrey Anton, an 82nd Airborne Infantryman, “we literally just sit around for three or four hours after dinner chow waiting on ‘The Word,’ just so they can tell us to be here at zero-six for PRT. I mean, like we didn’t already know that. And don’t even get me started on that first sergeant.”

Critics have suggested the letter may be a hoax, pointing the high number of apparently fake names such as Chesty Pud-Puller, Dirk Diggler, and Dependa Hunter. Others suggest the incredible volume of hand-drawn phalluses proves the authenticity of the document.

Pentagon officials have not responded to requests for comment.