Nation shocked to learn Army North nowhere n…

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — Everyone in the United States was shocked overnight to learn that U.S. Army North is actually nowhere near Canada, according to sources who are terrified of Canadians. In the midst of reports about the devastating effects of coronavirus — which nearly rhymes with Canadavirus — citizens were doubly-upset to learn that the American homeland’s Army North is actually much closer to Mexico than to real northern threats like Justin Trudeau, Tim Horton's, and Drake.

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