Navy approves man-buns for sailors

WASHINGTON — Citing the importance of recruiting in the 18 to 24-year-old demographic, the U.S. Navy has updated its policy to allow sailors to wear man-buns while in uniform, sources confirmed today.

“We need to open our gates to the best and brightest candidates,” said Adm. John Richardson, chief of naval operations. “So what if they laze around in coffee shops writing half-finished screenplays and delaying adulthood into their thirties? It’s our job to adapt to them.”

The change is not without its critics, most notably a cacophony of older veterans leaving “glad I got out when I did” comments on the Navy’s public Facebook page. Yet recruiting has already skyrocketed in bougie urban centers across America.

“I mean, war-fighters have been wearing long hair for millennia, it’s about time we return to our roots,” argued Surface Warfare Officer and medieval sword enthusiast, Lt. j.g. Chester Bartley, whose shipmates say looks less like television Viking, Ragnar Lothbrok and more like Hilda the swarthy lunch lady.

Since it's a part of the Department of the Navy, the policy will also apply to Marine Corps, officials said.

“We were born in a bar,” said Gen. Joseph Dunford, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Just think of this as an evolution of that legacy into a Portland based, farm-to-table microbrewery.”

The so-called “combat topknots” will have a higher grooming standard than those of the Navy, requiring a tight pull, max-hold gel and a zero-fade on the sides.

In addition to man-buns, the Navy Uniform Board also directed the creation of a chic line of mandatory uniform items for the 21st century seabag to include free-trade, skinny trousers manufactured by PacSun, standard-issue ear gauges, and a flannel print Type IV Navy Working Uniform.

“We are breeding a new type of warrior,” said Rear Adm. Jacobim Mugatu, board chairman. “One who multitasks, questions orders, and refuses to take no for an answer because he is entirely unable to receive even the slightest criticism. The Great War had its doughboys. We have our soyboys.”