YOUR HOME — You are among the millions currently being watched by intelligence analysts at the National Security Agency as you masturbate alone in your room, sources confirmed today.

Documents leaked by ex-NSA contractor Edward Snowden indicate that at this very moment, your webcam has been activated and has been taken over by NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander, who is watching and judging you as you click on video clip after video clip of hardcore pornography across numerous websites.

"Oh, this looks interesting," sources confirmed Gen. Alexander said from the upper study of his home in Alexandria, Va., as he jimmied his pants down to his ankles.

Multiple sources confirming details to Duffel Blog refused to be identified because they were not authorized to speak on-the-record, or they were embarrassed because they climaxed before you.