WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has pushed back all inspections, promotions, and orders for troop movements until the day after he leaves office, sources confirmed Thursday.
“Hagel doesn’t care anymore,” said Gen. Martin Dempsey. “He’s been showing up late to formation hungover in a rumpled suit. Once I heard him muttering ‘let the next guy deal with it.’ I even caught him sleeping in a broom closet during field day.”
Senior defense officials have confirmed that Hagel has refused to read his daily briefings, dismissing any attempts at keeping him updated on world events by saying "I got two months. I don't give a fuck."
