Hagel Scheduling Everything Important Until…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has pushed back all inspections, promotions, and orders for troop movements until the day after he leaves office, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hagel doesn’t care anymore,” said Gen. Martin Dempsey. “He’s been showing up late to formation hungover in a rumpled suit. Once I heard him muttering ‘let the next guy deal with it.’ I even caught him sleeping in a broom closet during field day.”

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