PSYOPs officer told to cut hair, dies

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The entire Psychological Operations Regiment mourned today, as Capt. Robert Rivera was forced to receive a wicked haircut within military standards, resulting in Rivera's immediate death. Much like Sampson, Robert Pattinson, or Robert Plant, Rivera received the majority of his sustaining life force from his courageously out-of-regulation haircut, which flowed down to his shoulders on days when he let his ponytail out.

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