Report: Entire family blames you for younger cousin’s decision to enlist

COLUMBIA, Mo.—A report commissioned by Granny and Poppop has found that family members unanimously blame you for your younger cousin Theo’s decision to enlist in the Marine Corps.

The news comes in the wake of Theo’s announcement at the Memorial Day cookout that he had joined the Delayed Entry Program and would be shipping to boot camp in July. Aunt Sharon was mortified. She had expected Theo to go to college instead of signing away his life to the federal government in exchange for a $5,000 bonus.

Despite your insistence you would never encourage a little bitch like Theo to join your beloved Corps, Jeff (Theo’s third stepdad and the most racist of the three) is convinced you colluded with Theo’s recruiter to swindle him with false promises of both dragon and pussy slaying.

Your parents attempted to reassure Sharon that sometimes a young man needs a bit of discipline and tough love to reach his full potential. Uncle Ron was quick to point out that you had joined the Marine Corps to avoid a stint in juvenile detention for shoplifting, and that unlike you, Theo has some prospect of a future in the civilian world without needing a life-altering experience.

At press time, Theo’s sister Hannah was texting you for advice on how to break the news to her parents that she had enlisted in the Navy with a SEAL Challenge contract.