COLUMBIA, Mo.—A report commissioned by Granny and Poppop has found that family members unanimously blame you for your younger cousin Theo’s decision to enlist in the Marine Corps. The news comes in the wake of Theo’s announcement at the Memorial Day cookout that he had joined the Delayed Entry Program and would be shipping to boot camp in July. Aunt Sharon was mortified. She had expected Theo to go to college instead of signing away his life to the federal government in exchange for a $5,000 bonus.
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