Sergeant Smith From Alpha Company Is A Total Dick

In the scope of human endeavors, seldom has an individual failed so drastically at their profession, the ability to perform mundane tasks, and life in general. Sergeant Smith, you are truly an accomplishment in your mediocrity.

Sources confirm that you are neither tactically or technically proficient. You attained your rank by excelling only in physical fitness, the ability to memorize, and unabashedly cheating through hundreds of Army correspondence courses.

To reiterate, we are talking to you, Sergeant Smith — directly to you and only you.

There is a fine line between nonsensical, over-the-top motivation and outright cynicism which a leader must tread very lightly. Yet, you, Sergeant Smith, manage to err in both accounts simultaneously. This gives you the appearance of a hypocrite who does not truly believe the things he espouses. This fact might have been mitigated with sheer grit and a pragmatic approach to leadership. Yet, you have consistently refused to share your portion of the hardships and insist on leading from behind. Your feeble, weak-willed, and oft-repeated cries of "the torn cartilage in my right knee" does not elicit sympathy.

Your soldiers see right through your farcical demeanor and silently hate you. Rest assured, this sentiment is held not only by your soldiers, but your fellow NCO's as well, confirmed your peers.

Again, if this has not gotten through yet, we mean you, Sergeant Smith. The Sergeant Smith at Fort Hood with the Ford F-150.

You can likely sense the palpable dislike everyone has for you. This is the only cogent accounting for your failures as a leader. Needless to say, this complicates the way you interact with the rank-and-file. Your idea of corrective action lies solely in making troops do push ups and threatening non-judicial punishment. While they, consequently, outperform the rest of the platoon in the push up event, they have each, individually, dreamt about violently murdering you, confirmed the rank and file.

Interestingly, you're much touted "no-holds-barred" approach to leadership is often contrasted by your unabashed approval-seeking behavior. This ultimately undermines any authority you might have established with your overly aggressive conduct. We're not sure how you aren't getting this yet. You're chuckling and thinking, "this is clever, but it's obviously a joke."

No it is not; we really do mean you, you fucking idiot.

Your failures in the Army are only outdone by your failures at the most fundamental of human tasks — family. This, your third wife will soon leave you for a man with a bigger penis. Furthermore, sources agree that your personal finances reflect the immaturity of someone half your age. The massive debt you managed to collect not only prevents your legitimate children from eating regularly, but also means that the many bastards you have spawned through unprotected sex will not receive their support either.

You, Sergeant Smith, are a blight upon a once fine institution, the United States Army, and are singlehandedly dragging down the efficiency and esprit de corps of your unit a noticeable degree. The only thing that protects you is your clear dependence on bureaucratic help and the inability of your superiors to simply fire your useless ass.