THE UNDERGROUND — Reports from the E4 Mafia suggest soldiers are concerned about the Space Force: Specifically, what disrespectful nickname can we all decide on?

“We weren’t ready for the speed at which this would happen,” Spc. Babahaka, E4 Mafia spokesman, admitted. “Nicknames take time, and the Mafia isn’t what it used to be. Do you know how much red tape it takes to give a guy a swirly? Starting a drug ring takes months of paperwork. And a nickname for an entire branch? Tall order.”

The military is rife with nicknames. It’s a part of the culture. For example, Navy personnel are called Squids, Air Force folks are called Zoomies, and Marines are Jarheads. Academy graduates of West Point and Annapolis are ring knockers. Citadel and Norwich grads want to be ring knockers. Privates are poop-stirring machines. Most of the military call the Coast Guard civilians.