Space Command GS-15: Nobody leaves orbit until they complete DTS training

PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Colorado – Regardless of its recent official activation, U.S. Space Command (SPACECOM) operations will not be “go for launch” until the force masters space travel regulations, a super important civilian says.

“Fiscal accountability applies in space just like on Earth” said GS-15 Bobby Hall, SPACECOM Resource Management Officer and Defense Travel System (DTS) Level 25 approver, “and SPACECOM is comprised of aviators and aircrews from all the services. Those zipper-suited dumbasses can’t even pull off a simple fuel stop in Scotland without causing a national shit-storm. So all the junior James T. Kirks need extensive DTS training or we'll have a ‘Space-Gate’ scandal bigger than Jupiter.”

Hall explained how military space travel presents astronomical problems. “Every mission is a TDY,” Hall says, “at 34 cents a mile, a round trip to the moon is a $162,421 mileage check to every Star Lord wannabe. But they'll wait until the last minute to submit their DTS, and want voucher settlement before they even dry off after splash down.”

Proper DTS use will help SPACECOM personnel, according to Hall. He offered the example of people stranded in orbit who need to use another country’s spacecraft for return to Earth and claim the cost as a Foreign Supplied Space Vehicle. “Like what happened in that ‘Gravity’ movie,” Hall said, “we call it the Sandra Bullock provision.”

Or hypothetically, a crew member involved in a custody dispute or other marital difficulty might need to access their bank account from space. “That might incur some wifi connection costs, and those are totally reimbursable, as long as it’s not for anything like a cyber space crime,” Hall said.

Experts admit that sending military aviators into space regularly will require strict travel guidelines. Hall says, “The Russians operate a bar on the International Space Station, so you can bet your big Battlestar Galactica that somebody will try Remain Overnight on the ISS. With training, they’ll know how to request an orders amendment as a BDM, or ‘Boondoggle Disguised as Mission.”

Col. Kerry Becker, SPACECOM Public Affairs Officer, stated, “We certainly intend for all SPACECOM operations to follow travel regulations. Leadership expects that all of our trips away from Earth will be just as proper and ethical as terrestrial aviator TDYs.”

Becker departed the interview to attend DTS Level 10 training and Hall’s mandatory class, “Smart Space Travel: Because What Happens on the Moon Does Not Stay on the Moon.”