The following is an op-ed article written by Jesus.

Seriously fam. See that guy's shirt in the picture above? Stop wearing this stupid shirt.

Ever since I met those Roman soldiers in the Garden of Gethsemane, you guys have been causing problems for me. Back then I was nice to you guys. I even told Peter to put his sword away.

But maybe I should have let him have at the lot of you morons.

Now I — the number two man of the Trinity I remind you — will deconstruct this stupid T-shirt. To understand why I'm so much better than the average American soldier, you can't just consider we both offered to die for you. You have to consider pole positions.

Take your average American soldier. Loser. Aside from his sin guilt, which is higher than normal and the whole reason I died to begin with, he's got nothing going for him. He watches too much porn. He cheats on his PT test. He'd cheat on his girlfriend if the loser had one.

Now take me. Unlike you, I didn't start out as a fatherless nobody from Washing…