THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced this morning that, contrary to popular conception, not every player on the field at the 2019 Army/Navy game would be willing to die for everyone watching according to a six-month, $3 million study.
The study asked a variety of questions, including whether military members should all be paid equal to or more than professional athletes and whether there is a correlation between good REM sleep and the availability of rough men to conduct violent action at night on their behalf.
“Unfortunately, we’ve identified at least four cadets and three midshipmen on the field who displayed various levels of unwillingness to give their lives for every single one of the millions of fans watching the game at home or there in the stadium,” said Navy Capt. Ross Adams, a DoD spokesman involved with the study.
“It’s not that I’m unpatriotic or anything,” said Cadet Mike Salde, a running back for the Army Black Knights. “It’s just that I planned on joining to become a doctor. The military was going to pay for med-school and this seemed like a great opportunity.”
“I don’t even want to fight, much less die.”
Another member of the study was more blunt. “Are you fucking kidding me? What a stupid question!” laughed Midshipmen Lawrence Vanderbilt, a Navy wide receiver. “Why in God’s name would I be willing to die for millions of people I’ve never met?”
However, a majority of the players interviewed did express that they would be willing to lay their lives down in some unspecified manner, at home or abroad, on behalf of the millions of unknown spectators planning to watch the historic football matchup.
Black Knight right tackle Christopher Harting summed up those sentiments.
“It’s really all about duty, honor, and country,” Harting said. “We’re here because we’re the best of the best of the best, and that completely arbitrary standard is something we as pseudo-military officers and college students have to live up to every day.”
At the conclusion of these interviews the players all expressed their excitement at getting back to practice and, in the words of every football commentator who has ever called the game, “prepare to beat the other team who, despite the epic 100-plus year rivalry, are still their brothers once the final play ends.”