ARLINGTON CEMETERY — A soldier standing guard at the Tomb of the Unknowns really wishes that asshole taking photos of him as snow and wind pummel his face would go the fuck away so he could get back inside, sources confirmed today.
"Look around. No one is here. I could walk 21 steps inside that door over there and be drinking hot cocoa," said Pfc. Brandon Chelley, a soldier assigned to "The Old Guard" of the 3rd Infantry Regiment. "But no, he just keeps taking snapshots of me getting creamed on by the Almighty."
Since April 6, 1948, Tomb Sentinels have stood guard for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year — regardless of weather. During inclement weather, they are allowed to stand duty from a covered enclosure known as "the box."
Unfortunately, Chelley says 'Dipshit The Picture Boy' is really ruining that possibility: "Can you imagine the ass-chewing I'd get if I'm photographed off the mat?"
For now, the soldier is continuing to walk the required steps at the Tomb so that everyone on Facebook and Twitter can relieve the onset of hypothermia via likes and shares.
"I could just shoot the guy," he told reporters. "It's not like there isn't a perfectly good place to stash an unidentified corpse nearby."