YOUR HOME — Many of the troops you lifted up in prayer in church Sunday morning are likely masturbating, drinking heavily, or engaged in barracks orgies, sources confirmed today.

Sources say that you recently asked for God to "keep our men and women in uniform safe" as they defend our country and way of life, but unbeknownst to you at the time, many of those men and women were participating in sinful activities that would make Ron Jeremy blush.

"This really shouldn't be such a surprise," said God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, as he facepalmed in exasperation. "By now, everyone should know that the military is a breeding-ground for alcoholism, mindless sex, and other vices."

When Our Heavenly Father chimed in regarding your divine appeals, such as "[blessing] the men and women who are away from their families," He expressed amusement and befuddlement at the way you've idealized the military as His holy warriors when the individuals therein come from all sorts of faith-backgrounds…