WASHINGTON – Continuing a streak of top five finishes that dates back to the country’s founding, America formally announced its second place victory in the Afghan War on Wednesday.

“From the moment the War on Terror began, we knew we would settle for nothing less than a podium finish” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “Today, after 19 years of blood and sweat, we are able to finally declare absolute and total second place victory.”

The Secretary went on to point out that since American troops first entered the country, their mission has been to secure a victory for the Afghan People. The fact that the specific Afghan People who finished in first place happened to be members of the Taliban “is immaterial,” Esper said..