West Point Superintendent Avoids Punishment…

WEST POINT, NY — In light of a massive scandal, the superintendent of the U.S. Military Academy has been allowed to stay on until the end of the academic year due to a key feline witness crumbling under interrogation, sources confirmed Friday. According to a heavily-redacted inspector general's report, Lt. Gen. David H. Huntoon, Jr. improperly forced subordinates to work at charity events, give driving lessons, feed a friend’s cat, and give him back rubs during stressful days at the office. Huntoon provided compensation for personal favors in the form of Starbucks gift cards ranging in value from $20 to $40, but more commonly: a stern warning to not say anything or "he would shoot them in the face."

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