YEMEN — In a leaked Edward Snowden file recently decrypted by China, secret documents reveal that CIA agents accidentally waterboarded a pair of terror suspects in human semen, intelligence sources say. The agents’ transcribed depositions were included in the file.

“The text message actually said ‘Waterboard the suspects in semen,’ not 'Yemen,'” confessed Special Agent "Black." “Give us some credit: we did still conduct the semen waterboardings in Yemen, which is what the boss was trying to say. That’s technically a win.”

The entire mission was nearly derailed by bad iPhone instructions.