LOS ANGELES — After a dramatic Coast Guard operation this summer seized more than $1 billion in cocaine from illegal smuggling efforts, the Central Intelligence Agency is asking for it back, Duffel Blog has learned.

"We didn't spend the last forty years perfecting narcotics smuggling so that a couple of wet-behind-the-ears puddle pirates could pull a paper mache submarine out of the water and make off with South America's new government," a CIA operative known only as "John" told reporters. "You guys are lucky that we outsourced the crews, or you'd be chupacabra food right now."

According to the CIA, the final stroke occurred when the Coast Guard managed to ambush a semi-submersible vessel on its way to El Salvador, which was going to either help fund Mara Salvatrucha (more commonly known as MS-13) or Calle 18, depending on which gang they thought would function better as the country's future government.