“It’s funny and says what a lot of us can’t really say out loud but are totally thinking.”
— ISAAC
“The real news sounds like satire, and I appreciate that y’all are out there skewering it in sharp, funny ways.”
— EMMA
"[They] do God’s work and I’ve been enjoying it for at least a decade.”
— RUSS
Every generation agrees: yours ruined everything.
The ruling has sent shockwaves through the ranks, especially among those who bought essential items like divorce attorneys, energy drinks, and Zyn.
Kingdom's sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh
He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.
“We trained our whole lives for this chapter,” sources say.
Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies
“He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.”
"Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”
After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”
It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.
Troops say fruity clouds beat the smell of burning tires.
President promises ‘best, most secret invasion ever — everybody knows it’
Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.
Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
Highlights new Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Selfless Service, and Landscaping
Technically, the manual offers no guidance on paying an entire Army with a Visa.
Battalion leadership confident spreadsheet power will deter China.
Players can unlock the skin by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at non-combatants.
Terror plots deemed ‘nonessential’ until Congress passes continuing resolution.
Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
