Air Force

In Wake of Sex Scandals, Air Force Dismantles Fleet Of ‘Pussy Wagon’ Recruiting Vehicles

by Ron

air force wagon

LACKLAND AFB, TX — In an attempt to cut down on sexual assault in its ranks, the Air Force has ordered its recruiters to stop driving their familiar yellow “Pussy Wagon” pickup trucks immediately, Pentagon officials said Friday. The move comes on the heels of a string of high-profile sex scandals, with the most recent [...]

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Report Finds Vast Air Force Conspiracy To Recruit Hot Chicks

by Rob

This unidentified airman was shocked at the findings.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressional investigation concluded this week, revealing a decades-long conspiracy by the United States Air Force to recruit and retain better-looking women than other branches of the U.S. military. According to information provided by the Department of Defense and the Justice Department, since 1989, the core strategy of Air Force recruiting activities were [...]

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Predator Drone Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize

by Ross Magee

mq-1 predator drone

OSLO, NORWAY — The General Atomics MQ-1 Predator unmanned drone was nominated Monday for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize for its unrelenting pursuit of peace and tranquility in under-governed spaces around the globe, the Nobel Foundation announced. “The prize is awarded annually to recipients who have displayed an abiding commitment to ridding the world of conflict,” [...]

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F-35 Scores Historic First Combat Kill By Shooting Down F-35 Program

by drew

F-35 lightning

BETHESDA, MD — An F-35 Lightning II Joint Strike Fighter made history today by scoring the plane’s first combat kill when it shot down the F-35 program. “It was exhilarating,” Air Force Major Thomas Bale said after returning to base. “I hate to kill jobs but I can’t help but celebrate. This was an important [...]

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F-35 Fighter Is Newest Exhibit At New York City Air Museum

by EL COMANDANTE

F-35 Lightning jet

NEW YORK, NY — Sources confirmed that the F-35 Lightning II was inducted yesterday into the Intrepid, Sea, Air, and Space Museum in New York City. The closed door ceremony was the high point for the F-35, capping off the fighter’s illustrious warfighting career as the most colossal fuck-up in military acquisition history. Speaking to [...]

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Air Force Grounds $345 Billion Experimental Uniform Program

by Paul

Lt. Gen. Christopher Bogdan jokes about how sequestration is screwing over the other services but not his.

ARLINGTON, VA — Air Force officials confirmed Monday that they would be grounding the entire Experimental Uniform fleet after problems were discovered on one of the zippers, the latest setback amid a string of recent disasters. Test wearers first noticed the problem during a routine maintenance wear, while attempting to use the bathroom. When airmen [...]

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United States Ready To Declare War On The Sun

by Stormtrooper

Missile launching into the sun

THE PENTAGON — Nuclear missile silos have begun preparatory operations and are aiming their warheads skyward as the United States Air Force and NASA draft plans for a potential full-on assault on the largest threat in our Solar System — the sun itself. On November 2nd, NASA scientists launched a small telescope into space to study [...]

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Air Force Holds Bake Sale to Buy Bomber

by G-Had

BakeSaleforBomber

WASHINGTON, DC – With the Air Force facing a series of combined wartime and sequestration budget cuts totaling over $14 billion, Air Force Chief of Staff Mark Welsh III outlined to reporters today the Air Force’s new procurement plan to use local bake sales to fund the purchase of aircraft. “We’re going to need a hell of [...]

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