Marine Corps

Operations Officer With PTSD Still Planning Suicide After Five Years

by Dark Laughter

OpsOsuicide

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — Operations officer Maj. Greg Walsh has vivid memories of both Iraq and Afghanistan, having deployed with infantry battalions since he was a lieutenant. Haunted by memories of death at war and troubles at home, he decided to kill himself, becoming part of a tragic epidemic that has devastated the entire Department [...]

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Public Affairs Sergeant Executed For Not Capitalizing Marine In Press Release

by Paul

marine corps firing squad

QUANTICO, VA — After failing to capitalize Marine in an official media release, a Public Affairs sergeant was verbally reprimanded and publicly executed Friday before a crowd of spectators outside the Marine Corps Museum, officials report. Sergeant Nathan Samuelson, 24, of Richmond, Va., was fired upon by his former comrades as jeers erupted from onlookers. First [...]

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Camp Leatherneck Begins Hunger Strike

by G-Had

Camp Leatherneck Chow

CAMP LEATHERNECK, AFGHANISTAN — Marines at Camp Leatherneck have begun a base-wide hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to what they described as the “appalling” humanitarian nightmare unfolding on the installation. In a letter submitted by Maj. Theo Gennaro, a C-130 pilot, and hand-delivered to the office of RC-Southwest leader Maj. Gen. Walter [...]

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Commandant Attempts To Fire Entire Marine Corps

by Dark Laughter

Firingspree

WASHINGTON, D.C. – “Fire them! Fire them all!” raved Gen. James Amos, foaming at the mouth as he was escorted to a waiting police cruiser in a straitjacket late Friday. Amos is en route to a high security psychiatric facility following a firing spree during which he attempted to relieve the entire United States Marine [...]

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Marine Still Trying To Craft Perfect Signature Block After Promotion To Staff Sergeant

by Paul

Marine at a computer

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — A Marine Staff Sergeant with 1st Battalion, 4th Marines motor transport is desperately trying to put the finishing touches on his email signature block, officials confirmed. Staff Sergeant Jason Winters, 33, who was promoted to his present rank on May 1, is not sure whether to use a motivational quote from [...]

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Marine Unit Forced Back From Sea Deployment After Encountering Biological Weapon

by Epic Blunder

Marines in line

USS MOULIN ROUGE (LHD-9) — The 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit is being forced to return two months early from its deployment to the western Pacific after suffering the highest percentage of non-combat related casualties in American history, officials reported Monday. With 93 percent of Marines bedridden and unfit for duty, the MEU was recalled after being deemed combat [...]

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Marine Disappointed Sexual Assault Training Didn’t Teach Anything New

by NavyFork

Actors In a Mandatory Briefing Portray A Scene Involving Sexual Assault

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — When Private Richard Grabar sat down for mandatory “sexual assault training” this week, he couldn’t believe his luck. “I heard that there would be videos,” he said, “so I got there early for a good seat.” A self-proclaimed expert on the subject, Grabar volunteered to teach portions of the course, but [...]

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Marine Corps Establishes ‘Service Utilities’ For More Professional Look

by Stormtrooper

Service Utilities Marine Corps

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – In a bold move designed to bring professionalism to new heights, the Marine Corps is introducing a new uniform regulation, tentatively dubbed, “Service Utilities.” After senior leaders complained the Marine Corps was losing touch with its professional side, General James Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps, issued a directive earlier this year directing [...]

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