MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. – Despite negative press coverage and a failed attempt at intimidating America’s enemies, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly boosted morale among the more than 800 generals and admirals he summoned to Quantico by setting a world record for the largest military Dungeons & Dragons campaign ever played, sources confirmed today.
“The Secretary meant what he said about readiness and lethality,” said a spokesman for Hegseth. “And other than PT, what better way to prepare warrior leaders than a good old-fashioned D&D quest?”
The hundreds of flag officers filed into the partially renovated Bruce Hall Dining Facility, where they were divided into several groups. Hegseth, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, and each of the service chiefs served as dungeon masters — refereeing, organizing, and occasionally threatening to relieve players mid-campaign.
Officers selected characters from the usual classes — barbarian, bard, fighter, ranger, monk, paladin, wizard, warlock, and cleric. Normally, players can choose a race such as human, elf, dwarf, half-orc, or gnome, but attendees were reminded of Hegseth’s stance on diversity and identity politics, so everyone was restricted to playing as straight white male humans.
“I had a friggin’ blast!” said Maj. Gen. James Work, commanding general of the 82nd Airborne Division. “Such a great way to integrate tactics and strategy into MWR time. As a former member of the 75th Ranger Regiment, of course my character, Cornelius Rattleghast, is a Ranger! Hooah!”
Sources close to the event reported that most infantry officers played Rangers and most Marine officers played Paladins or barbarians. Naval and Air Force officers seemed to mostly gravitate towards bards and clerics.