Army engineers fail to lay pipe in North Dakota

CANNON BALL, N.D. — The Army Corps of Engineers has agreed to pull out of planned operations in tribal areas of North Dakota, citing irreconcilable differences.

Deputy Chief of Engineers Maj. Gen. Richard Stevens expressed disgust with the situation, telling reporters his guys had worked for months to get a hook-up. "We even got approval from friends and family, I thought it was a done deal," he said.

After many late nights and heated encounters, however, the Engineers failed to get it in, sources confirmed.

Jo-Ellen Darcy, Assistant Secretary of the Army for Civil Works, cited many reasons for the flop. “We weren’t that into it the first night, and our efforts were pretty limp the first time around,” she told reporters. “Then the cold weather came through and our morale shriveled up.”

But ultimately Darcy laid the blame on one factor: Rowdy veterans. “They got involved and turned out in a major way. And you know nobody’s laying anything when that many veterans start hanging around.”

The Corps of Engineers is maintaining a low profile for the time being, and hopes to make another attempt in the spring. “This way we don’t have to do the awkward acknowledgement of Christmas and Valentine’s Day,” Stevens added. “It’s for the best.”

The Army has learned its lesson and will steer clear of exotic endeavors from now on.

“We should’ve stuck with what we know best,” Stevens concluded: "Drilling it in the backroads of Oklahoma.”