Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Don’t think of it as “on hold”, think of it as “mindfulness training”

WASHINGTON, D.C.— A recent study commissioned by an independent oversight committee found that veterans attempting to reach the Department of Veterans Affairs healthcare line are more likely to have time to tie a noose than to speak with a live representative. 

The findings, published in a report titled "A Hang-Up on Customer Service," cast a grim shadow on the VA's commitment to accessible healthcare.

“This is a disturbing testament to the VA's proficiency in inefficiency,” said lead researcher Dr. Felix Taylor. “Our findings are quite clear: it's quicker to reach the end of your rope than the end of the line at the VA.”

According to the study, the average veteran caller spends approximately four minutes navigating through a labyrinth of automated prompts before the call is abruptly dropped, which by every account is enough time for military veterans to fasten a rope to a load-bearing beam and put their neck through the loophole. 

VA Secretary Denis McDonough, upon being briefed about the findings, reportedly took a deep sigh, glanced at the coils of phone cords in his office, and said, “At least we’re number one in something.”

Following the public’s outcry over the findings of the report, the VA hastily introduced a new “express” option for callers this week, which would allegedly route them to an operator after just a two-minute wait. 

Veterans’ groups have criticized this move as “merely a shorter path to the same dead end,” with some sarcastically suggesting that this new, faster option provides insufficient time for even the simplest of knots.

"The VA's new motto might as well be 'We put the 'die' in 'dial tone'," joked a frustrated former soldier. “You could almost say that the VA's phone line is a metaphor for our post-service days: a lot of loops to jump through before a sudden, unexpected drop.”