KEY WEST, Fl. – The Coast Guard withdrew its towing contract from Porpoises with a Purpose after a pod of dolphins left the Cutter Goldfish adrift in the Florida Straits for five days. The 87-foot cutter broke down after running out of diesel fuel, and contacted the nearest group of dolphins to provide a tow. The dolphins were unable to render assistance as they were already engaged in an orgy spanning several days.

After more than nine cutters ran out of fuel in fiscal year 2015 and cost taxpayers more than $50 million, frustrated Coast Guard officials earmarked $25 million for an experimental dolphin towing program. “After this incident, it’s become clear that we can’t rely on these dolphins to tow our cutters anymore,” said Vice Adm. Charles Michel, Coast Guard Deputy Commandant for Operations. “We need reliable, consistent offshore towing support for our incompetent skippers.”