Army Command & General Staff College grads celebrate perfect record of losing wars

FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kansas — The Commandant of the Army's Command and General Staff College last week celebrated the school's 72-year record of losing wars, sources confirmed today.

“The record of the late 20th century shows that our curriculum produces consistent results over the decades, allowing graduates of our fine program to lose diverse conflicts across the globe, from jungles in southeast Asia to the deserts of the Middle East and the Horn of Africa,” Lt. Gen. Michael Lundy said, according to transcripts of the speech.

As one of the Army's oldest institutions, it has produced such notable graduates as Norman Schwarzkopf, Creighton Abrams, Douglas MacArthur, and Dwight Eisenhower.

“CGSC has been teaching mid-level and general grade officers for over a century that innovation is the enemy of logic, and career success can only be achieved through rote memorization of dogma and the proselytization of such throughout the force," Lundy said. "Could you imagine the chaos our military would face if we had thousands of individual officers each coming up with unique or scenario-specific tactics each time we started another war? Madness!”

Lundy went on to highlight the nearly 16-year-long conflict in Afghanistan, proudly declaring that “CGSC grads have been at the helm of America’s longest war since the beginning.”

After a final standing ovation from the faculty and alumnus in attendance, Lundy tearfully concluded his remarks with the pledge that “our storied institution will continue to lead the charge in senior officer education and produce graduates to drive our nation into foreign quagmires for decades to come.”

Lundy was asked about the Persian Gulf and Grenada campaigns, according to two attendees. Despite being visibly angered, the commandant said that “we don’t count any conflict that begins and ends in the same fiscal year.”