DoD to migrate all field grade officers to the cloud
Taking obsolescent officers from flops to teraflops.
In an organization-wide effort to cut costs and modernize its aging officer corps, the Department of Defense has announced plans to migrate all field grade officers to the cloud.
“We have thousands of legacy O-4s, O-5s, and O-6s sitting idle in on premises infrastructure, sucking up funds and air,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said. “We anticipate huge cost savings and increased efficiency by moving all of our outdated field grades permanently to the cloud, where they will mostly be someone else’s problem.”
Austin says field grade officers tend to suffer from multiple security and functionality issues, including obsolete operating systems, lack of combat patches, and bad knees. Moving them to the cloud will provide much needed upgrades, including making them “seem almost like they’re O-3s who still give a shit.”
“Studies have shown that a full 25 percent of field grade officers are obese. An additional 50 percent look fat and gross in uniform,” Austin said. “Through this migration, we can offload a lot of that excess blubber to the cloud service provider, where I’m told their redundant belly fat can be spread-loaded across multiple servers.”
DoD has thousands of antiquated midgrade officers who have functionally reached the end of their service lives, yet remain in operation due to the cost and complexity of eliminating them. While critics worry that storing so many commissioned officers in commercial facilities is risky, officials say all the same security and features of existing field grade officers will be replicated in the cloud.
“Medical appointments multiple times a day, awkward public arguments with their spouses in the Commissary, malingering the last four years of their careers while waiting on retirement,” program spokesman Neil Garrison said. “All of this and more will be available in the cloud. Most cloud providers have even built in a totally undeserved Meritorious Service Medal that they wrote themselves at no extra cost.”
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