THE PENTAGON—Sources say the newest Sergeant Major of the Army plans to field a throwback uniform to inspire pride within the ranks and prepare the Army for the impending wars with Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Russia, China, and The Duchy of Monaco.

“The ‘pinks and greens’ represent the last time the Army was truly great,” said incoming Sergeant Major of the Army Command Sgt. Maj. Michael Grinston. “But our service uniform should reflect the first time the Army was great. I mean, we didn’t fight a near-peer adversary in the 1770s and ‘80s, we beat the best standing army in the world.”

An Army spokesperson said the new uniforms, known as ‘colonial blues,’ will be modeled after those from the American Revolutionary War. The uniforms will include a powdered wig, tricorn hat, linen shirt, wool coat with vest, one-size-fits-all leather shoes, and an optional louse comb. Soldiers will trade in their MOLLE packs for haversacks and their magazines for cartridge boxes. At roughly $2,500 a set, soldiers will arrive to battle and mortuary affairs in style.

Sources say Grinston will not be the first Sergeant Major of the Army to make tough decisions regarding uniforms. His predecessor, Daniel Dailey advocated for the "pinks and greens" uniforms, and Raymond Chandler—Dailey’s predecessor—instituted the Army Service Uniform.

“The office of the Sergeant Major of the Army has a long tradition of uniform modifications. In fact, the position was created to soothe the Off-Post Dry Cleaning and Alterations lobby back in the ‘60s to ensure jobs for war brides returning from Vietnam,” said Army historian Kent Patterson. “You can’t make uniform decisions anywhere in the Department of Defense without OPDCAL permission. Everyone knows they have ties to the Korean, Vietnamese, and Filipino mafias.”

As the Sergeant Major of the Army, Grinston will have the power to influence lasting and positive changes to the Army or dedicate his time and attention to embracing the neuroses for which he wants to be remembered. Given his background, soldiers are hopeful he will do what is best for the Army.

“We've got run-down barracks, black mold in family housing, and a glut of shitty NCOs who got promoted when we were trying to grow the Army,” said Spc. Jay Gapuzan. “I have faith this new guy will worry about more than new uniforms, facial hair, and neck tattoos.”

Incoming Sergeant Major of the Army hints at…

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