Military aide must ‘dummy cord’ nuclear football after leaving it on Biden’s Corvette
"I guess finger sandwiches are more important than nuclear security, huh?"
THE WHITE HOUSE – Lt. Col. Jason Schmutz will be required to ‘dummy cord’ the President’s Emergency Satchel, commonly referred to as the ‘nuclear football,’ to his body after leaving it on top of President Biden’s 1967 Corvette Stingray, sources confirmed today.
“What a f*cking newb,” White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients told the Duffel Blog. “The nuclear football sat on the hood of the President’s ‘shaggin’ wagon’ for the better part of an hour while Schmuckatelli was stuffing his face.”
This is not the first time sensitive materials were left in the vicinity of the president’s sports car. In 2023, it came to light that President Biden had classified documents stored in his garage next to his Corvette.
“Look, Jack – [the classified documents] were in a locked garage under a stack of Juggs magazines,” Biden told reporters. “It’s not like they were laying around the house or in a pile next to the crapper, c’mon man.”
Sources say Schmutz was eating lunch in…
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