AL-AHLI BAPTIST HOSPITAL, Gaza City – As fighting between Israel and Hamas enters its third week, long-time human rights defender Vladimir Putin is deploying Russian advisors to southern Israel and the Gaza Strip to provide vital assistance to its anti-imperialist brethren in Hamas.

“We sincerely hope that this conflict does not become protracted,” Putin said in announcing the deployment, “mostly because we really need Iran to keep its eye on the ball and sell us all its drones so we can continue liberating hospitals and restaurants in Ukraine. There’s a wrong way and a right way to violate international norms, and while we fully admire the enthusiasm of our friends in Hamas, our highly-experienced advisors will provide some pointers on how to really maximize the suffering of all parties involved.”