Russia sends observers to Gaza to provide war crime advice
This is not 'Nam, there are rules
Russian experts hope to use lessons learned to offer Hamas helpful hints
AL-AHLI BAPTIST HOSPITAL, Gaza City – As fighting between Israel and Hamas enters its third week, long-time human rights defender Vladimir Putin is deploying Russian advisors to southern Israel and the Gaza Strip to provide vital assistance to its anti-imperialist brethren in Hamas.
“We sincerely hope that this conflict does not become protracted,” Putin said in announcing the deployment, “mostly because we really need Iran to keep its eye on the ball and sell us all its drones so we can continue liberating hospitals and restaurants in Ukraine. There’s a wrong way and a right way to violate international norms, and while we fully admire the enthusiasm of our friends in Hamas, our highly-experienced advisors will provide some pointers on how to really maximize the suffering of all parties involved.”
Russian spokesman Yuri Pitkrovdetey elaborated on what the advisor teams would actually be doing.
“Look, obviously when it comes to sheer barbarity, Hamas is right where they need to be,” commented Pitkrovdetey, sipping vodka from a goblet made out of the skull of a former Bucha resident. “I’ll be honest, as events unfolded on October 7, even President Putin was taking notes on Hamas’ creativity. Shooting babies in their cribs and lighting them on fire? In the last year, the best we’ve done is bomb the occasional sleeping tyke or two. As for burning children, we’re only getting about 80% body coverage these days. So when it comes to murdering kids, Hamas is meeting or exceeding the Russian standard.”
As he packed an extra sledgehammer in his duffel bag, advisory team leader Captain Nasilnik Babushki outlined those areas where he thinks his soldiers can be the most helpful to their Palestinian counterparts. “First off, like many young folk these days, Hamas fighters think they need to film and post everything they do online, and that can be counterproductive,” Babushki noted. “Like that girl they kidnapped from the concert and paraded around naked in the back of their pick-up truck. Man, that kind of stuff, you’re just making it easy for those simps at The Hague. You gotta make the war crimes prosecutors work for it.”
“For example: if you abduct and rape someone, don’t livestream the whole thing like an amateur—just do it, then shoot them in the head and dump them in a mass grave. Same thing if you want to mind-fuck the victim’s family. The preferred method is to violate and brutalize the victim in the next room where their loved ones can hear it, not posting it to Facebook. It’s really sad to see the whole ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ mindset ruin what was otherwise a master class in savagery.”
Babushki said his team would also be sharing lessons in managing the media, although he confessed that Hamas enjoyed the advantage of friendlier media relations.
“Honestly, it’d be great to have mainstream media take everything we say at face value the way they do Hamas. But the best we can do is get useful idiots like Ian Miles Cheong or Seymour Hersh. Meanwhile, Hamas blows up its own hospital and everyone from Al-Jazeera to the New York Times fell over themselves to pin it on the IDF. Christ, we’d poison a thousand journalists just to get coverage half as favorable!”
“Though we did honeydick Elon into shutting off StarLink over Crimea, so that’s something.”
As he boarded the flight that would airdrop him into the Gaza Strip, Babushki struck an optimistic note.
“The fact that Hamas and its partners just don’t give a fuck about firing rockets over their own people’s hospitals means we’re basically on the same page. We just need to smooth some rough edges. With our help, they can improve their targeting cycle so that next time they sling missiles to kill hundreds of noncombatants, they’ll aim at juicier targets; like, say, a theater clearly marked ‘CHILDREN.’ And there’s always lots of Holocaust survivors to go after—well, minus one or two.”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.