Celebration as 500,000th sailor graduates NETC with zero knowledge

GREAT LAKES, Ill. — The Naval Education And Training Command (NETC) threw a party celebrating half a million students passing through “A-school” since 9/11 without learning a thing.

“It may not seem like much, but this is hard work,” Commanding Officer Rear Adm. Michael White said, over a big slice of cake. “It is a real challenge to send sailors to A-school for several months and teach them absolutely nothing.”

White continued, “Sailors reporting to their first command are often told to forget everything they learned in A-school. So we decided to streamline the process and not teach them in the first place.”

NETC switched from instructor-led classes to computerized training in the mid 2000's, saving millions in taxpayer dollars with the added benefit of reducing information transfer and knowledge acquisition. Efficient students can click through an entire lesson in less than three seconds.

“I don't want to give the impression we have our sailors sitting around and doing nothing,” said Force Master Chief Mamudu K. Cole. “We keep our sailors in a quasi-boot camp environment for several months and ship them to the fleet with a distorted view of what the Navy is like.”

“There's not a chief in the fleet who doesn't love receiving sailors we turned into useless basket cases.”

A small amount of training is still conducted by PowerPoint, where instructors ensure they read each slide word for word in a dry monotone to ensure nobody retains the information.

Looking ahead, sources say White is considering contracting out training courses to for-profit universities as “the most efficient waste of taxpayer dollars” and to ensure sailors “actually lose knowledge they came to us with.”