SMA’s weekend safety brief at GITMO deemed 'cruel and unusual'

“Don’t add to the population and don't subtract from the population."

If you can’t wrap it, slap it!

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA — A minor inconvenience for service members is now being used to glean intelligence from some of the world’s most dangerous people. According to officials, the Department of Defense has implemented a new enhanced interrogation procedure: subjecting long-held “Gitmo” detainees to a non-stop weekend safety brief from Sergeant Major of the Army Michael R. Weimer.

“If you go out tonight and decide to have a few drinks, don’t risk it! Just call me and I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to come out to get you,” declared SMA Weimer to the orange-clad detainees. Officials say the new method preys on a detainee’s psyche and their ability to endure what is usually the only thing standing between a soldier and their weekend.

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“If you’re underage and you’re at a party and someone offers you a drink, don’t take it. There’s nothing cool about drinking before you’re 21,” the SMA said while speaking to a group of detainees with an average age of 47.

Weimer added: “If you’re talking to a local at the bar and she has a tan line on her ring finger, it’s best you turn around and walk away. Ok, Airborne?”

The never-ending commentary from the Army’s top enlisted leader has come under fire from human rights organizations, however, with many comparing the safety briefs to torture or characterizing it as “extreme and excessive.” But regardless of the assertions of cruel and unusual treatment, intelligence agencies are finding remarkable success in the method thus far.